Guilt, Health & Marriage

Today after church, I cut up a bunch of veggies and threw them in a crock pot. Carrots, celery, onion and a head of cabbage, sprinkled with thyme and rosemary and minced garlic and chicken broth poured over the top.

Then, because I was hungry, I opened a can of white beans, added a little pepper and have been eating them with a spoon. Room temperature. Dr. Oz is a big believer in beans to lose your gut...so...

I also sliced and squeezed the juice of a large lemon into 24 oz of iced water. I need to clean out my body.

This past week, I have turned to food almost daily. I have gorged myself. Not at home, but secretly. I go grocery shopping and then get a little cash back and use it for junk food. Drive thrus, pastries, etc...secretly.

This past year has been rough on the marriage. We're slowly but surely working through a bunch of crap, but every once in a while, I lose it and turn to food. I eat til it hurts sometimes. I'll be doing real well, eating lean meats, veggies, fruit, lots of salad and water...and then BOOM. Life happens and I fall hard.

Me in 1993 - age 19 - 150 lbs.

I have gained 100 lbs since 1994, when I started dating Chris. Just being honest - maybe so I can be vulnerable, or maybe to help someone else...I don't know. It's embarrassing, but it's the truth. Then, since last spring, Chris started losing weight. He went from about 165 to 128 (at last weigh). Check a BMI counter or ideal weight chart and he's perfect size for his height, but it's tough on me. Now when I have my anxiety eating thing, I have to remember that every bite can take me even further away from his weight. Bigger than him. So much bigger and that makes me so much more anxious.

So, today and today alone, I choose to eat veggies, drink lemon water and loose leaf tea and take care of myself. Not to be thinner, but to know that I'm doing the right thing as a mom and wife. I want to be sexy, and while I can be heavy and sexy, I still feel fat inside. It's a tremendous burden and I want it gone. I'll mess up again and feel rotten again, but today, I choose health.

xoxo- e