Wednesday, August 4, 2010


I feel so alone. Ugh. Dumb.

I usually avoid "getting in my head," but this time around it just can't be avoided, I guess.

My sister just moved 5 hours away to further her career as an officer at a prison. She had an officer job locally but budget cuts meant she would either lose her job or transfer. The nearest and best offer was 5 hours away. Well, my sister, my confidant and dear friend is still within reach, but I can't see her every weekend like I used to.

Her roommate, Melissa, is also moving away and she has become one of the dearest friends I have ever known. She takes care of me. She's mothering, which I need sometimes. My mom moved 6 hours away about 5 years ago, and since then, I have had to mother myself, which isn't all that great. While I've come to terms (with a tinge of bitterness still lingering in the background) with my mom moving so far away, this is new. Melissa and Kelly...dangit. Yeah - dangit is one word.

My brother Jon is moving with them...I love Jon, but never see him anyway and we talk about once a month on the phone, so we'll basically have the same relationship.

My dad had a complete nervous breakdown in January. He had to take 2 months of medical leave and when he returned to his almost 100K a year job, they had riffed his position. He is jobless. He was hospitalized at the end of May after a plan to commit suicide. I almost lost him completely. The depression sucked him in like a high powered vacuum and he didn't ask for help...he just went limp.

So, I no longer have my mom, my sister, my friend nearby...I have now lost my dad, so to speak. I am terrified and feeling so abandoned...I'm playing a victim in my head.

Last night, I went to an extended worship night at Cannon Beach Conference Center and the music and lyrics overtook me and I stood and sang my heart out with my hands upraised and tears streaming down my face...I don't even remember the song. But as Mila continued playing his guitar at the end of the song, he free-styled a prayer to God in song, "With You I am no longer alone...I am not on my own...Hold me, Jesus...I am no longer alone." - and it hit me. Here I have been grasping for relationship with friends and family, when my first relationship needs to be with Christ. He will hold me, comfort me, listen to me weep and love me unlike anyone else. God spoke to me through Mila. I sat down and wept in my hands as the music continued. I'm not alone.