Birthdays and Death...yep, here she goes...

My daddy turns 58 years old today. In his mind, he rounds it up and decides he's basically 60. 60 is old...in his mind. Well, it freaks me out as my parents get older. Older means closer to death - and losing a parent is just wrong.

I did the math this morning and my dad was 45 when his dad passed away. 45. I am 36. I cannot even imagine to lose a parent in nine years. I don't want to lose a parent at all.

Granted, my grandfather had a ton of health problems, mostly heart related, and was also an alcoholic. And I'm not talking recovering...I'm talking Canadian Whiskey first thing in the morning and all day long. After his heart attack in the early eighties, he was told to stop drinking. Well, he kept his booze in the pump house out back and walked out there hourly to get a snort. I remember when he died, I leaned over to kiss him as he lay embalmed and dressed in a suit in the casket, and his lips were not moist with whiskey. It was odd.

GRANDPA JEFFERSON LAVERNE BROCKWAY 1975

So, back to losing a parent. My cousin Amber...(history: Amber is the daughter of Ken Shanafelt, who married my cousin Robin. Ken was killed from a stray bullet in 1997 while walking downtown with Robin. On the 12th of this month, Amber's mom, Lillian, died of cancer.)...she feels like an orphan. No parents living. She has Robin still, which I think is lovely, but nothing compares to having those people who bore you, cared for you and whom you called "mommy" and "daddy." I ache for her.

My childhood friend, Jennifer Butler Brown, lost her dad about 5 years ago to cancer. My close friend, Geoff Neill, just lost his dad to brain cancer. My cousins, Nick and Ryan lost their dad, my favorite uncle, Rorey, to Lymphoma. Kids shouldn't lose their parents. I don't care if I'm an adult. I'll never be ready.

ME, MOM, DAD & KELLY 1983

Craftastic

I am so freaking inspired to create lately. I'm in Vancouver this weekend, and all I can think about is the list of projects I have to complete when I get back home! Thought I'd list them. I need to make a list, and well, I haven't been too consistent on blogging this week, so here we go:

1. Camera Strap. Making this for Trish. She already knows about it. I found a tutorial on it and bought the fabric about 6 months ago with plans to make it for her birthday, but got lazy...here's a pic of what it will look like, minus her cool fabric.

2. 8 x 8 gift album for my grandparents (mom's parents). I like to make them something with pics from the last year since I don't see them very often. They love it.

3. Virgin Mary costume for Flannery...In Awana this week, they have to dress as a Bible "superhero" and she chose Mary. She's seen The Nativity Story so many times and loves that Mary trusted and obeyed God. Chris and I went to the Salvation Army yesterday for their 50% off sale and I found a dress to alter, a long sleeved blue shirt for underneath and 2 light blue pillowcases that I'm going to cut, sew and make into a shawl and head scarf.

4. Pillows. Well, I have to stuff them and sew them shut. Flannery is a pillow maker. She finds discounted remnants at Joann's that remind her of people, cute it, sews it inside out and then has me finish them for gifts. She's so thoughtful.

5. I FINISHED my two 6 x 6 albums - one for my mom and one for Sue (mom's BFF from childhood) - and yes, they read this, but that's okay. It will still be fun for them! Includes pics like this one:

6. Last but not least...Mom's Calendar!!! I make her one every year and this years is completely laid out minus December. I'm planning on using pics from our Holiday vacation to Disneyland for that month. Here is a sneak peek from the Disneyland website:


We leave in a couple hours and I may just get started when we get home!

A Beautiful Mess

I can't seem to add this to my blog as a widget, and I'm working on that, but in the meantime, if you want some creative inspiration from one of my faves...check this out!

Autumn Thoughts

We returned home Sunday night from a 3 day trip to Moses Lake & Coulee City to see my sister, Melissa and my mommy. On the way, we were blessed to stay with our dear friends, Bryan and Kissa Everett in their cabin in Packwood, WA. This is one of my favorite shots from our visit, taken by Flannery.

The leaves are beginning to change on the maple and birch trees scattered within the Douglass fir and pine. I love this time of year.

Today was the first day where I was chilled as I got the kids into the car at 7:40am. I had to put on a jacket. I love that! The sun is so bright I have to squint all the way to the elementary school and the heat is cranked in the car.

Sunday, as we approached home, We took a stop and a mini hike at Multnomah Falls to stretch our legs and let Cannon run around a bit. He found a huge leaf and carried it around. Maybe it's his brown eyes, but Cannon + Autumn leaves = bliss.

Feeling inspired to create...I love that.

Halloween

I realize I just posted, but missing my sister brought to mind my favorite time of the year...well, it USED to be my favorite day of the year. Halloween with Kelly and Melissa.

Melissa would make TWO crockpots of chili. One would be mild and the other, spicier. She brewed hot apple cider, complete with clove and cinnamon sticks, on the stove. Her Autumn-scented candles were lit around the house, a fire was in the fireplace, the fire pit in the backyard was also aglow, encircled with camping chairs.

Everyone would scoop a bowl of chili, grab a slab of Marie Calendar's cornbread, slather it with honey butter and bundled in a sweatshirt or sometimes a throw from the couch, gather in the backyard. Kelly would stoke the fire, and we'd all take turns yelling at the kids to leave the fire alone.

The kids would eat quickly and then race inside to get their costumes on, while we lingered and soon would hear the begging to head out on our 2 hour neighborhood begging spree. We'd pour giant mugs of hot apple cider, tainted with the sweet taste of Spiced Rum.

Once home, we'd soothe our throats (a little raw from the constant, "did you say thank you?") with more apple cider, sit by the fire inside and check the kids candy. And by check, I mean, we'd eat the kids candy.

As Halloween approaches, I'm a little sad. But there are new traditions to be made and I am determined to make them as special as those we left behind.

I miss my sister!!!

I talked to my sister and Melissa today for over an hour. Kelly decided to send me a bunch of pictures from her phone to my email and now I feel like I've been there. I feel so empty without them near me. I miss them every day. For 3 years they were a daily part of my life...and now...it's a phone call a couple times a week. It's so strange.

As you may know, my brother Jon moved with them and is working there and saving money to get his own place. He really couldn't stand to be so far away from Kelly. I guess if I was single, I might have done the same thing.

Here are some pics Kel sent me about an hour ago.
Kelly...

Jon having his morning coffee...

Melissa...



Birthday, our sweet Havamalt...

Shame...

My dad is going through a lot right now. He just blogged about the guilt and shame he feels and a dear friend of mine read it and wrote me this, which impacted me greatly. I hope you'll see the power in it like I did. It brought me to tears.

"ugh! my heart aches for him. shame. ugh. fuck shame. that is a tool of the devil and i am not kidding. shame is such an ugly blanket that snuffs out our joy and robs us of our breath. i totally get how your dad feels -- that goddamn shame. seriously. God damn it. shame fuels so many things that either paralyze us or push us into a deeper cycle of self loathing. i am covering your dad in prayers and asking God to lift the blanket of shame off of his head and allow your dad to breathe again. he is not his shit. he is God's child and there is zero shame associated with that. i pray that the Lover of his Soul will remove the scales that cover your dad, like when c.s. lewis writes about king peter turning into the dragon and the scales need to be peeled off and it hurts, but in the end, he returns to his original self. God. Please. Help. we are begging and not being humble about it. we come to You boldly. rescue your child. show him his image in you. remove the shame. remove the guilt. remove the should haves, would haves, could haves and replace them with the HEART knowledge that he is Yours and nothing can take that away. God let your child know his identity rests in You and nothing else. i ask you carry your child and nurture him back to health. i pray you protect his marriage, save his house, bring him into where he needs to be to experience and live in joy. You are the Great Healer and the Master of our hearts. we thank You God for hearing our cries and listening. thank you for loving Jeffrey. thank you for his life. thank you for loving us. we ask You speak loudly and breathe into him! rescue Your son and heal him. we love You God and we pray this in Your Son's Name, Amen."

A Memory

I had this "Ridgefield" moment today. Ever have a flash of a memory when the weather changes slightly, or the sun hits a tree a certain way? Well, the sky right now is cloud-covered and I had this odd sensation of being in my mom's old kitchen in Ridgefield, WA, at the sink, getting a cup of coffee and staring into the pasture. The coffee has a bitter smell, as the creamer doesn't quite give it the right shade of beige...I left the pot on too long. Switch it off.

The TV in the family room is humming something childlike as Alice (in my memory, age 4) watches. I go into the dining room and thumb through the stack of pamphlets, church bulletins, sale papers and magazines my mom always has piled next to her "spot" at the table. I sniff at the coffee (I sniff everything) and quickly realize I'll only be able to tolerate about half a cup of it. Note to self: brew another pot of coffee.

I find a slip of paper and begin making a list. I always make lists. It makes me feel accomplished. granted, I only accomplish the writing of the list itself, and complete zero chores listed.


I smell the beginnings of pot roast wafting from the oven. Mom must have started it early, as Tom gets up from his daytime slumber around 2 pm today. Graveyard makes him grumpy...having supper ready makes him happy. I see his glasses lying at the top of his place-mat, ready to wear when he sits down, after taking his shower and getting dressed, to read the paper.

The centerpiece on the dining room table is functional. A red basket with napkins, salt and pepper shakers and a small wooden vial of toothpicks. Come Thanksgiving, mom will have arranged a bouquet of dried orange and yellow blossoms around a cornucopia of gourds and Indian corn. At Christmas, a fat red candle encircled with dried holly leaves and berries.

Sometimes I miss the house in Ridgefield so much I can't stand it. I have so many memories there, but mostly, I'm pretty sure I miss my mom.

Yak Yak Yak

I have zero patience today. I snapped at Cannon, told Flannery to go back to bed and my grandma keeps hovering over me as I sit in my dad's house, trying to watch football and she continues to talk. She has never been able to sense when someone needs quiet or space...just something she never learned. Like when the home inspector came to inspect her home before the appraisal in 1999 and she followed him around, telling him all about the house and when she and grandpa got carpeting and when they put the deck in and why...oh my goodness.

I'm not ignorant...I realize I'm going to miss her terribly when she dies. She's had about 5 near death moments, and it was tough. She just happens the be one of those people I avoid when I'm feeling private and want to be alone...cause she doesn't get it.

I love my grandma.