Thursday, September 15, 2011

Just Breathe

Breathing in and out seemed so commonplace about 20 years ago...and then little by little, I've had to remind myself to slow down, reevaluate and breathe.

19 years ago, I met Chris and my breath caught in my throat and I was overcome with love and goodness and had to remind myself to breathe in and out.

13 years ago, we were wed and he finished that last year at college in Seattle while I was in Portland and I had to trust learn to trust a man was new and the breathing stopped for a time.

10 years ago, I was breathing fine and then we had beautiful Flannery. Anxiety stopped my breathing this time...and because of seeking guidance through my PPD, I was taught to breathe. In and and out.

3 1/2 years ago, we had Cannon and my breathing continued on...knowing the signs and keeping friends close assisted me in taking the breaths I needed to take to function as a wife and mother.

2 1/2 years ago, we moved to the beach with an ocean view and I could breathe deeply, maybe for the first time in years.

This past summer, we thought I might have we held our breaths and decided to move back to town where friends and family could care for my children and me during chemo treatments and the sickness that would occur. Blood tests, CT scan, biopsy and results: We could breathe.

Made the move to a big house in Gresham. Perfect for parties, family gatherings and game nights with friends, but the builder dropped the ball and didn't follow contract. We had to move. Breath held.

Chris and I decided the kids and I could breathe better out of town - so we stayed with Kelly and Melissa - breathing, laughing, playing cards, watching TV and movies and splashing at the lake.

Then Melissa went for a routine surgery...and ended up in critical condition. For days. Kelly and I could breathe through our weeping and wailing and crying out to God for mercy on her. But the breathing would pause when there was a setback. And every other day, it was another setback. Finally, after 22 days, she was released to go home and we all can and out.

This month, we moved into our home, it feels...cozy, medium sized and perfect for our family. We're breathing together now, for the first time in a long time. Friends and family are near again and all is calm as of now. We'll be here a long time if the Lord wills and if He tarries.

The past summer, we felt like a new born calf who when birthed, drops to the ground, slimy and exhausted...shaking as it attempts to stand. And when it stands, it wobbles for a bit. But it will be able to breathe on it's own, in and out, in and out, and eventually will dance and frolic across the pasture.

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