Sadness

I'm having trouble breathing, so I thought I should blog it all out.

I hope this doesn't betray the friend to friend blog agreement, but I must repost his on mine, so you get what's happening. This is from Tim's blog...

Saturday, December 1, 2007 0:24 AM CST

I got tired of dealing with night after night of waking up in pain. I (with the strong encouragement of my amazing wife) decided to go get myself checked out. After all I don't think jet lag lasts for 2 weeks usually.

My symptoms were strange, like getting very winded after walking stairs or lots of aches in my chest. More pain than normal. After all my life has been full of pain but this seemed to be more.

We got to the hospital yesterday and I took some blood tests. I think I did well on them and only had to guess on some of the questions. They said it looked fine but my symptoms could be pointing to a blood clot in my lung. That is somewhat common in lung cancers. They said instead of waiting until Dec to do my scans that I should do them now.

So yesterday around 3PM I got a CT scan with contrast injected in to me and yes (for those that remember) I did throw up in the room. It was not fun but over quick. Kind of thrilling too. Not so much like skydiving but a good way to make you feel alive. If you don't believe me just think about it next time you throw up. Anyway.... they said if it was a clot they would call me back to the hospital right away and put me on blood thinners otherwise they would call me tomorrow with an update.

Tomorrow was this morning, if that makes sense. I didn't get a call so I called them. They said they would call back and they did. They said I did not have a clot but my scans were not good. It showed that from the dozens of tumors my September tests had, there was now a large number more. Like not able to be counted or numbered. They said it seemed to be going faster then they had originally thought. The doctor wants me to come in next Tuesday to talk about any remaining medical options and to consider starting Hospice care.

I thought that was incredible. I said that is really sad and hard to hear considering I was just walking 4 miles a day in Disney World a couple weeks ago. The nurse said she agreed since she just saw me yesterday and she thought I looked healthy. (She might have said I looked hot but I forget the details).

Any way now today is finally ending and we have told our children, family, and as many friends we could pass along the story to. That is what is good about this site. I can stop rehashing the last two days and just let people catch up. I hope you know I love you all and will let you know more info when I get it. I just got home from playing bass guitar at church and I had an amazing time.

Good Night, Tim

So...I am sad, overwhelmed, anxious and bordering on depressed. Not that if this happened in 9 months from now I wouldn't feel the same way. I just thought we all had more time. Plus, it's weird. I realize every cancer case is different. I just think back to Amy and she was sick all the time and super ill for 10 months, where we didn't know if she'd live one day to the next at times. Tim just jumped out of a friggin airplane, went to Disney World and the Caribbean and an Alaskan Cruise, and we made plans to go to the beach with their family too, and now...I just have a lump in my throat that won't subside. I ache.

Well, I have laundry to do and a few final touches before our annual Christmas party tonight. Tim, Beth and the kids will be there and I'm looking forward to being with them. I'llbe taking a ton of pictures.